This week in Kattegat, Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) and Bjorn (Alexander Ludwig) are discussing who is the shittiest husband ever and I am pretty sure Ragnar has this one in the bag. But then Torvi (Georgia Hirst) wants to talk about their relationship and Bjorn edges up in the shitty hubby department quicker than I expected. However that conversation takes an unexpected turn of events and Bjorn finally finds out who the ring belongs to he found on the beserker that attacked him.
When Bjorn isn’t being a shitty husband, he is channeling his shitty father and being a smart arse to King Harald Finehair (Peter Franzen). While Finehair is all about bragging about his boats and army, Bjorn is making penis envy comments that are burning the fuck out of Harald and making me suddenly like the new improved touched by a bear Bjorn.
— Vikings on HISTORY (@HistoryVikings) March 18, 2016
King Harald Finehair is pushing his weight in Kattegat. It is like a reverse version of “How To Make Friends And Influence People.” But, it certainly works on Floki (Gustaf Skarsgard) and I am wondering just how long it will be before Ragnar regrets showing him mercy in Episode 3. There also seems to be some sort of scheme going on between Floki and Aslaug (Alyssa Sutherland) and I am wondering if Aslaug is planning on offing her husband and becoming the queen of all Norway.
Speaking of Floki, it turns out he is the worst babysitter ever. But that pales in comparison to Aslaug who when her son Ivar (James Quinn Markey) cracks the shits with the local kids and axes one in the head, does the very thing every serial killer mother does; enables him by telling him not to worry about a thing. At least Floki had the decency to look shocked by Ivar.
So a week is a long time when it comes to Vikings. Ragnar is totally now the Charlie Sheen of Kattegat and he spends most of his time getting high and watching his community from the rooftops while trying to convince Yidu (Dianne Doan) that she is the Emperor’s concubine daughter. Which she may or may not be. But I wonder if she just she says she is so Ragnar will get into her pants [insert 70’s porn music here]. And so begins the “It’s getting hawt in here. let’s take off all our clothes” segment of Vikings.
— Mynda Bullock (@PxlWvr) March 18, 2016
Of interest to note though is the fact that Yidu seems to have an ulterior motive with the look she shoots after she hands Ragnar some drugs. It got me to thinking about Ragnar and Yidu’s relationship and the predominance of snakes present in the loveshack and I am suddenly wondering if maybe Yidu works for King Aelle (Ivan Kaye) and that is why she spoke the language when she arrived there.
Gisla (Morgane Polanski) and Rollo (Clive Standen) are still in the honeymoon stage and Gisla is introducing Rollo to the ways of the French and how they are up for backstabbing. Which Rollo reckons isn’t the viking way except we all know Rollo totally did that to the viking group stationed in Paris. Pot meet kettle…
Speaking of going behind backs, you know how Therese (Karen Hassan) has been getting the dirt on Count Odo (Owen Roe)? Well Episode 5 of Vikings is when that comes to the forefront with Roland (Huw Parmenter) dobbing on him to the Emperor (Lothaire Bluteau). He predictably gets all jelly legs and wants Roland and Therese to continue keeping an eye on Odo.
In England, King Ecbert (Linus Roache) is deciding what to do with Mercia. He and King Aelle don’t want to go to full blown war but after Queen Kwenthrith (Amy Bailey) explains the Mercian rules, it seems they have no option. Aethelwulf (Moe Dunford) agrees with Kwenthrith whole-heartedly because he is completely pussy-whipped.
When everyone isn’t looking, Ecbert goes to church to monologue about how he has sold his soul to the devil because he would rather rule in his own kingdom rather than the heavenly kingdom. The number of fucks he gives about going to hell is exactly zero.
All the Weird Kinky Stuff
- So Roland and Therese are not a normal couple like we thought they were. It turns out they are fully fledged Game of Thrones members of the Cersei and Jaime school of sibling love.
- Aethelwulf is as into whips as Count Odo is, he just prefers the self-flagellation version.
— Vikings on HISTORY (@HistoryVikings) March 18, 2016
- For Aussie viewers of Vikings, this will be the week you really count your blessing that the Australian version racier than the US version 😉
So Kalf (Ben Robson) and Erlender (Edvin Endre) are agreeing that the first rule of kill Bjorn club is that they never tell Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick) about it when Lagertha walks up. After being totally chill and telling her they were talking about Torvi and how Erlendur has forgiven her, Lagertha announces she is pregnant and Kalf predictably asks her to marry him.
And so wedding arrangements begin…
Except, remember a while back in season 4 of Vikings when Lagertha told Kalf she would kill him? Yeah, she totally kills him and I am pretty sure this is why there is a tradition nowadays about grooms not visiting their brides before the wedding…
— Charlotte (@Smeary) March 18, 2016
Lagertha is the Earl of Ingstad all over again and thanks to Erlendur taking out all of Team Einar, it doesn’t look like she will have any objectors this time around.
What did you think of episode 5 of Vikings? Let us know your thoughts by commenting below.
Vikings returns to History Channel with episode 6, entitled “What Might Have Been” on Thursday, March 17, at 10 p.m. ET.
You can read my recap of Episode 6 here.
[Image via A&E Network]
- Vikings, Season 4, Episode 4 Recap, “Yol” (thesnarkingdeadrecaps.wordpress.com)