Here’s what went down in Episode 1 (entitled “The Red Woman”) of the Season 6 premiere of HBO’s Game of Thrones:
- So, just in case we didn’t notice, HBO reassures us that Jon Snow (Kit Harington) is dead. Like deader than dead. Lying in the snow with no one giving a fuck sort of dead. Really HBO, Jon Snow is dead? We get where you are going here. But then Davos (Liam Cunningham) turns up and some fucks are given, mainly about how to kill Alliser Thorne (Owen Teale). HBO shows us several close ups of Jon Snow during all this. Just to remind us, well, you know why. Thorne offers an amnesty to Davos and the scant night’s watchmen that are Team Snow, offering them save passage if they open up the door. Davos calls him on his bullshit.
- Ramsay Bolton (Iwan Rheon) is all sad that his
fellow sadist freaklover, Myranda (Charlotte Hope) is dead. You know it’s true love when he monologues for a bit and then insists her body be fed to the dogs. After that, Ramsay’s dad reminds him of what a sick little fuck he has been and how it has managed to screw everything up. Basically, if Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) doesn’t return–and knocked up in the baby way, not in the Joffrey way–he just might have to find a different ruler for the north.
- Speaking of Sansa, her and Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) are running through the snow trying to escape becoming their own version of Myranda dogmeat. Long story short, they get caught but Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) saves the day and Sansa just might come out of this alive.
- As for Sansa’s sister, Ayra (Maisie Williams), she has her own battles to fight, namely that of surviving the mean girl of the House of Black and White. It seems the Waif (Faye Marsay) will turn up every day just to beat blind Arya with a stick. The question begs, is it because the Waif is a bitch or trying ot teach Arya how to fight blind?
- Season 6 of Game of Thrones sees Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) drinking–and this is before she finds out her daughter is dead. After some grief and soul-searching (of which Cersei honestly admits she has no idea how she managed to produce a child as nice as Myrcella), Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) declares no one shall ever pick on his sister wife again because they are both better than anyone IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Righto, moving on then…
- Speaking of things that are better than the Lannisters, lets talk about dragons. Yeah, about that, not one is seen in all of the lands. Even Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) is surprised because somehow she managed to get taken hostage by the Dothraki and a dragon ride would be really helpful about now. Especially since the Khal had no idea she knows their language.
Once she fesses up (after he tries to strip and rape her), the joke turns out to still be on Dany as there is a very special place the Dothraki like to send their Khaleesi’s to after their husbands have died, and it’s not Meereen. However, Ser Jorah (Iain Glen) has worked out who has taken Daenerys and surely he and Daario Naharis (Michiel Huisman) are better than dragons at rescuing Dany from the Dothraki?
- Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) and Varys (Conleth Hill) appear in episode 1 of Game of Thrones purely to make a dick joke and stop fans from whinging Tyrion and Varys were not in the episode.
- Dothraki humour. Yeah, who knew it would be this funny:
- Dorne is the place where everyone gets killed. Hopefully that means it is just one less set of characters I have to remember for my Game of Thrones recaps.
- Now, let’s talk about Melisandre! You know how we all just know Jon Snow will get resurrected by Melisandre, HBO thought they better drop another blatantly obvious hint about just how magical Melisandre (Carice van Houten) really is at the conclusion of this episode of Game of Thrones. It seems Melisandre isn’t just a member of a cult that can bring back people from the dead but she also knows glamour magic. But HBO being HBO decided to show rather than tell. This led to possibly the biggest limp dick moment for all those guys out there who just watch Game of Thrones for the tits and arse:
What did you think of episode 1 of Game of Thrones season 6? Let us know your thoughts by commenting below.
Season 6 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO with episode 2, entitled “Home” on Sunday, May 1, at 10 p.m. ET.
The official synopsis for episode 2 (entitled “Home”) is:
“Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) trains with the Three-Eyed Raven (Max von Sydow). In King’s Landing, Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) advises Tommen (Dean-Charles Chapman). Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) demands good news, but has to make his own. At Castle Black, the Night’s Watch stands behind Thorne (Owen Teale). Ramsay Bolton (Iwan Rheon) proposes a plan, and Balon Greyjoy (Patrick Malahide) entertains other proposals.”
[Images via HBO Inc.]