So if you thought the death of Ramsay Bolton in Episode 9 was all the wish fulfillment you were going to get in this season of Game of Thrones, think again. HBO decided to dish out treats all over Westeros in its Season 6 finale.
Here’s my recap of what went down in the Season 6 finale, Episode 10 (entitled “The Winds of Winter”) of HBO’s Game of Thrones Season 6.
— R+L=Joanna Robinson (@jowrotethis) June 27, 2016
- So let’s get that whole big secret between Cersei (Lena Headey) and Qyburn (Anton Lesser) out in the open, huh? Turns out the Mad King really did have a stash of wildfire hidden under King’s Landing. And that stash is so huge I’m not really sure why it was a rumor and not a known fact. So suddenly a whole underground storage area is forgotten about? I think not. But, anyway, everyone in King’s Landing did and as a result Cersei says fuck you to attending her trial in the Season 6 finale of Game of Thrones and has her Franken-guard, Ser Gregor Clegane (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson), take King Tommen (Dean-Charles Chapman) hostage in order to avoid the bloodbath. But Margaery (Natalie Dormer) starts to suspect something is wrong when Tommen doesn’t show and tries to get everyone to leave. She creates just enough mass hysteria to get them all bolting for the doors, but the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce) is an arsehole and prevents everyone from leaving. So things go ka-boom in spectacular fashion and Cersei is as pleased as only Cersei with a drink in hand can be. Tommen however is regretful at no longer being able to get laid and throws himself from the tallest building, or maybe he’s just realised what a cunt his mother is. Either way, he is dead now and that completes the first part of Cersei’s shitty life prophecy. Now we just need one of her brothers to kill her and her life is complete. Judging by the look on Jaime’s (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) face when he returns and sees what she has done, I am placing my money on him. But first, Cersei gets to be queen. How does that feel Cersei, now all your children are dead?
- So what of Cersei’s other brother, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage)? Well, he is being made Hand of the Queen to Daenerys and he will give zero fucks about taking his sister out if Jaime hasn’t already done so in Season 7 of Game of Thrones. But along with Daenerys getting ahead of herself in regards to being the one true heir of Westeros, she is also ditching her lover, Daario (Michiel Huisman) in favor of better suitors. Now, I wonder if there is anyone in Westeros suitable for a Targaryen? Considering they like to marry their siblings, she would need to find someone who is related to her, but who could that be?
- So, this is where HBO decides it is finally time to confirm that pesky L+R=J theory that has been dogging them every since before they tried to convince us Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) was dead — really dead — in the Season 5 finale of Game of Thrones. If you want to know the full theory, you can check out this article I did that explains it in greater detail. Otherwise, it basically means Jon Snow is not Ned’s son, but a Targaryen as a result of Rhaegar Targaryen having his way with Ned’s sister, Lyanna. Remember those flashbacks to a young Ned at the Tower of Joy (which is in Dorne, remember that place?) and the sound of a woman screaming? Turns out that was his sister, dying in childbirth as she delivers Jon Snow. But thanks to Bran forgetting all about how his greensighting has fucked things up before, we get another look back in time. And this is where we learn Jon is not Ned’s son at all. It is fairly sketchy what Lyanna is whispering to Ned on account she is dying and the fact HBO don’t like to fully confirm things they can drag out for another 10 months. She does manage to warn Ned someone will kill Jon is they find out who he is, so that’s pretty good evidence the child is a product of Rhaegar and not Lyanna’s fiance, Robert Baratheon.
— Night’s King (@WightsKing) June 27, 2016
- Now, speaking of things to do with Dorne, since Ellaria (Indira Varma) and her Sand Snakes killed everyone, she is the leader and Olenna Tyrell (Dianna Rigg) has come to ask for assistance in killing Cersei for wiping out her entire family. Ellaria is only too happy to help as the Lannisters were the reason her lover, Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal), was killed. But wait, there’s a longer line than that queuing up to kill Cersei. Varys (Conleth Hill) arrives just in the knick of time to offer Daenerys’ help in eradicating her as well. If Cersei isn’t careful, her butt is not even going to warm that iron throne before she is knocked off it.
- In the North, Sansa (Sophie Turner) is resisting advances from
the creep that never stops creepingPetyr Baelish (Aidan Gillen) because suddenly Baelish thinks he has a chance to take the iron throne himself. But then all the Northern families are calling Jon the “King in the North” regardless of the fact he is a bastard and I am wondering how far Petyr will go for the sake of power. Now all we need is for Bran to turn up and let Jon know he’s really not a bastard and Daenerys to offer her hand in marriage and we might just have a Baelish who is angry enough to show his hand early enough for Sansa to feed him to the dogs as well.
- Arya–fucking–Stark (Maisie Williams). Since she has finished the shittiest internship in Westeros, she has returned to checking names off her list. This time the Freys get their turn. Arya borrows a face and pretends to be the hired help. How does that face swap thing even work? Does Arya have to check one out like you would a library book? Who knows, but anyway, having access to a face library is pretty handy in Episode 10 of Game of Thrones because she totally bakes half the Freys into a pie and feeds them to Walder Frey (David Bradley), the suckiest Frey of them all. Once she lets him know he has eaten his kids, she slits his throat. Because she is Arya–fucking–Stark.
- Melisandre (Carice van Houten) gets booted out of the North after Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham) makes her admit to Jon Snow about the Shireen barbeque. But, get this, Jon banishes her rather than kill her. That’s not going to come back to bite him on the arse at all now, is it?
- Winter is coming. Apparently that totally wasn’t an overused mantra but an actual thing.
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
1 out of 5 for Tits. EDIT: Thanks for the heads up on the boobies. I must have blinked and missed them 😉 Still not happy Tyrion didn’t make a dick joke though.
1 out of 5 for Dragons. Obviously HBO ran out of their allocated CGI budget after Episode 9 of Game of Thrones, as a result there was only a shot of Daenerys’ dragons flying over head as they sailed for Westeros.
[Image via HBO]