Here’s my recap of Chapter 6 of American Horror Story: Roanoke.
You know how I admitted last week that I hated American Horror Story: Roanoke? Yeah, that hasn’t changed. This disclaimer at the start of Episode 6 didn’t help:So My Roanoke Nightmare beat The Walking Dead? Even the shitty Season 6 cliffhanger of The Walking Dead was better than My Roanoke Nightmare. So already we are in the Land of Make-Believe.
CF: When I saw that line about The Walking Dead I laughed aloud. Holy Shitballs, are they fucking serious? Yes, at that point I would have preferred 45 minutes of Rick driving the shit out of that RV rather than watch that mess we saw last night.
And for the record: I arrived home just before the re-airing for AHS and stayed up until midnight to watch this crap, because I do not let my partner in writing crime suffer bad TV alone.
RT: I thank you so much for staying up so late to watch. I watched this episode with my daughter, who, up until this point, had been enjoying this season (but, she’s 12 and this was her first introduction to horror tropes). After about ten minutes of watching, she went back to watching YouTube fail videos.
CF: I think I would have had more fun with the fail videos.
But wait, there’s more!
Sidney (Cheyenne Jackson)
is an arsehole comes up with a great way to make more money off the misery of others: American Horror Story: Big Brother Edition Return to Roanoke: 3 Days in Hell.
I shit you not.
CF: Arsehole is right. I’ve found the occasional Nazi doctors they’ve had in past seasons more likable. You just want to punch him right away. With a sledgehammer. In the face. Several times. Just to be sure.
RT: The shitty thing is he won’t be in the house and, therefore, will survive 😦
He manages to convince the real Matt (Andre Holland) and Shelby (Lily Rabe) to come back to the house. Pathetic Shelby signs up, not a problem, because her and Matt split and she is desperate to get him back. Why did they split? Shelby fucked Fake Matt (Cuba Gooding, Jr.). So I have absolutely no idea why Real Matt signed up.
CF: Because, as you’ve pointed out, the real Matt and Shelby shouldn’t be allowed to sign a goddamn thing. “We’ll give you this studio space for $10,000/month and all it will cost you is a down payment of $20,000 and two toes.” “Where do I sign?” Just like that.
RT: How they manage to breathe air and walk at the same time is a miracle.
Along with these two imbeciles, Lee (Adina Porter) joins up because everyone thinks she killed her husband and this is the perfect way to prove her innocence. Or some such shit. Along with the real Milers, the actors who played Matt, Shelby (Sarah Paulson) and Lee (Angela Bassett) tag along as well. Evan Peters turns up because we haven’t seen enough of him in Season 6. Turns out he (his name is Rory, this is important) and Fake Shelby hooked up while on set. Fake Shelby is even more annoying than Real Shelby. To make matters worse, FX decides to fill in time in this crappy episode by showing us Fake Shelby and Rory’s wedding.
CF: I love Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters, but after five minutes of her fake-ass accent and his “I’m such a wild, crazy dude!” routine that he did so much better as Quicksilver in the X-Men movies, I was ready to murder them both. Let me remind everyone that Angela Bassett directed this shit last night and I need to know what sort of dirt FX had to convince her to do this lame-ass episode. The wedding was about as cringe-inducing as it comes.
RT: One thing I noticed about the actor interviews, is they totally seemed to be taking the piss out of acting and promotional interviews. At least, I hope that was what they were doing. As for Angela Bassett directing… *SMH*
CF: When you realize you’re in a bad production you just make sure the money’s in the bank and have a good time. I think that is what Kathy Bates is doing. Sure as shit Paulson and Peters don’t need to do this level of trash any longer. Right now they probably give zero fucks how they sound during interviews.Agnes (Kathy Bates) who played the Butcher in My Roanoke Nightmare is delusional and thinks she really is the Butcher. It is too much crazy for even Sidney to bear so they slap a restraining order on her to keep her out of AHS: Big Brother.
CF: Which really wasn’t Sidney’s intention, as we soon figured he hoped Agnes would flip her shit and come stalk the set. If Sidney had a handlebar mustache he’d have twirled it and chuckled like an insane bastard at that point.
So, bad shit starts happening even while Sidney sets up and no one thinks it’s a bad idea yet. A guy chops his own head off with a chainsaw. But Sidney gives zero fucks about this and insists the show must go on.
There is a reason for the tight schedule.
Since it has been established pretty early on that Matt and Shelby should not be allowed to sign contracts because they don’t even know how to Google, Sidney has decided to send them all back into the house on the Blood Moon.
Predictably Matt and Shelby have no idea until they turn up there and look out the window. Besides one half-arsed warning from Matt, no one really cares. Nobody leaves the house either. It is at this point I am glad they make the following announcement:I was actually disappointed to find out one person survives. I don’t even care who survives. Not one little bit. Although, when Fake Shelby sees Agnes outside the window, I am guessing she will be the one to survive. My bet is Thomasin will be happy Agnes has a lady crush on the poor, misunderstood Butcher and let her live in the house, so long as she brings sacrifices on the Blood Moon.
CF: I say the survivor will be O.J.–I mean Fake Matt. Just because. And I like the idea about Thomasin, because that’s entertaining as hell. Oh, and why didn’t they ask Lady Gaga’s character back? Hummmm…
RT: Oh, God, I hope she comes back. If I were Gaga though, I would have left already and found another TV franchise to be awesome in.
But I get ahead of myself.Because, for those of you who can’t stand to see a word missing a letter, M U R D E gets an “R” in Chapter 6 of AHS Roanoke. R as in Rory, and I am actually gutted that he gets killed a second time.
Still nobody leaves the motherfucking house.
CF: Evan getting killed by the two nurse ghosts–oh, sorry, FUCKING SPOILERS!–pissed me off, and all so we can get that Redrum shot in. Dude better come back as a ghost. And then they all stand around looking like, “Oh, really? It says Murder now? Anyone want something to drink?” I’d have been like, “I’m like Carl: I’m not staying in THE FUCKING HOUSE! Later, bitches!” *Zoooooom* Really, this is like being around terminally stupid people who don’t give a shit if they live or die. And what I worry about is we’re going to discover there’s another twist that no one really died, because now they’re channeling Blair Witch and all the “lost footage” movies, we know no one died there. In which case we should start drinking heavily ’cause there’s no hope for the rest of this season.
RT: My whole viewing enjoyment of AHS: Roanoke has whittled away to the guarantee they all die. If FX lets them live, I will be as pissed as hell!
CF: I read somewhere today that the last episode of this season is supposed to have–here it comes–ANOTHER twist. Do we want to venture into this pit of madness and guess at what it may be?
RT: Please let the twist be that there is no episode 10 and that the madness ends early.
What did you think of Chapter 6 of American Horror Story: Roanoke? Let us know by commenting below!
American Horror Story returns to FX with Chapter 7 of Season 6 on Wednesday, October 26 at 10 p.m. ET.
[Image via FX]