So, considering this is the penultimate episode of American Horror Story: Roanoke, let’s introduce three new characters, okay? Welcome Todd Connors (Jacob Artist), Sophie Green (Taissa Farmiga) and Milo (Jon Bass). These guys run a fansite for Season 1 of My Roanoke Nightmare. Which scared the shit out of me because with all the mentions of “Season 1” it implies there are more seasons of this crap to look forward to. However, you can all breathe a sight of relief, because Return to Roanoke: Three Days in Hell was supposed to be Season 2. With everyone dead now except one, that means we shouldn’t have to suffer through any more of American Horror Story: Shit Horror Tropes.
CF: Except the trailer for Chapter 10 could set up American Horror Story: Never Ending Bullshit Horror Series. Be afraid: be very afraid.
RT: Oh, shit. I haven’t seen this yet 😦So, now that I have spoiled you to the fact there is only one person left standing at the end of Episode 9 of American Horror Story: Roanoke, who is that person? Well, it comes down to a battle between Lee (Adina Porter), Audrey (Sarah Paulson), Monet (Angela Bassett), Dylan (Wes Bentley) and the three new dickheads. The three newbies are all excited because they still think My Roanoke Nightmare is bullshit and are fan-hunting the location. In the process, they come across the body (and ghost) of Sidney’s (Cheyenne Jackson) assistant that got killed by the pig man in the car. They run back and tell the police, who, naturally, don’t believe them. This means they go back to the house to gather more evidence weird shit is happening. Luckily this leads to them finding a fuckload of dead bodies and Todd gets killed. Then Milo starts sooking like a child and Sophie is still thinking this is some sort of game she can win.
CF: Two things I’d like to point out. First, Taissa Farmiga has been getting a huge buildup for this series for like four months now, and she’s basically just a walk on who pisses and moans all the goddamn time. And second, the shaky cam from these three assholes point of view was driving me crazy. Yeah, I know, they were filming with their phones, but shit: could you watch that on YouTube for hours with it bouncing around like that? Maybe I’m just too old—
RT: I completely agree on both counts here. Taissa’s role was nothing but hot-aired hype.
CF: Frankly, that seems to be the way it’s been with a lot of the actors on the show this season. I mean, look at Lady Gaga. The show made a big deal about her coming back and for the one scene where she was fucking the real Matt, I believe they used a stand-in. Gaga got that paycheck and got the fuck off that set…
Meanwhile, back in the house, we find out Dylan was sent by Sidney to turn up dressed as the pig man when things we were getting boring. He got a lift from the Uber guy with the same surname as Myrtle from American Horror Story: Coven. He still has absolutely nothing to do with anything even though his name points to him being significant.
CF: Remember what you once said about clever arseholes? AHS has joined AMC in that category with the shit.So, the girls clue Dylan in on how real everything is and Dylan reveals he was once military and will “leave no man down” as they head out to search for Monet. Of course, for Lee, this is just a reconnaissance mission to retrieve her confession tape. The trio return to the Polk house and, in the process, Dylan gets stabbed, Lee gets left behind, and Monet and Audrey return to the house with Lee’s confession tape. Needless to say, Audrey and Monet give zero fucks about leaving people behind.
Outside, Lee is seen dragging herself through the forest when Scathach turns up and offers her a heart. Lee happily eats that heart and then goes on a rampage.
CF: Yeah, when the strange girl shows up out of the woods and offers you a heart, you damn well better take a bite. And so true about Audrey and Monet. Lee and Dylan get in trouble and they’re like, “Later, motherfuckers!”The two remaining dickheads are holed up in the production trailer. Sophie looks at the screens inside the trailer and sees Lee with her newly found murderous intent. She decides they should head to the house and warn Audrey and Monet what is going on. Because she is an idiot. Milo really starts sooking at this point, but does what Sophie says. Most of the time they alternate between running and stopping to talk about how much danger they are in.
CF: It was at this point I was really hoping Sophie and Milo died a horrible death, because all they had to do was stay in the goddamned production trailer and not move until sunrise. Seriously, you’re seeing all sorts of weird shit happening and yet you just gonna run right into the middle of it because, well, you’re stupid. Oh yeah, I forgot: they’re playing all the horror tropes.
RT: Yesssss! Although, to be honest, I was happy for them to die as soon as they followed the ghost in the woods… Sophie, however, just wanted to be famous, that’s why they got killed.
CF: She got her wish: dying the way she did probably made her famous. And that probably means there are other people out there now who want to visit the Roanoke house, all for the possibility of catching a glimpse of Sophie’s ghost. American Horror Story: The Ghost of Roanoke Assholes. That could be season 8, right?
Lee makes it to the house but Audrey and Monet are pissed that Lee actually killed her husband. Considering Lee is now on Team Scathach, Monet gets thrown over the balustrade before she can really tell Lee how she feels. Audrey stabs Lee and runs. She makes it as far as the old cellar before Lee returns the favour, stabbing her and pushing her down the ladder.
Just when you think Dylan is dead, he’s dragged out in front of the house just to be disemboweled and killed properly this time. Sophie and Milo see the whole thing. Then we get this message on the screen:To cut a long story short, the lost Roanoke colony torch the pair and that is the end of that.
CF: I like how the both of them were run through with a pole more than the length of their entire torso–yeah, I know, spoilers, fuck off–and they’re looking at one another like, “How did we get into this shit?” You got your dumb asses into this shit because you’re STUPID!
RT: Hahaha! Stupid pole for stupid people.
CF: This was really the one part of the episode I enjoyed, watching these two dipshits die. I guess it’s because they reminded me of every fawning fanboy and girl out there who gets caught up in the minutiae of some lame ass reality series, and they make it a major part of their lives. Actually, I enjoyed watching everybody go to hell in this episode. The biggest problem was, it was twenty-five minutes of episode crammed in about forty-five minutes of show.
Except now it is daylight and the cops decide to show on account of some lynch mob video they saw online. Bodies are everywhere. But, wait, Lee is still alive. So the cops put her in the car. Then Audrey is found still alive. They help her over to the car as well. Audrey sees Lee and the beginning of a scrag fight are rustled up. That is until the cops shoot Audrey as she runs at Lee.
Just a hint cops, you killed the wrong arsehole.
CF: In all honesty the cops shot Audrey because she grabbed one cop’s gun and was getting ready to blow Lee away. And in this country, that’s instant Death by Cop. No exceptions.
RT: Ah, I totally missed that bit. Thanks for clarifying Cassidy 🙂
CF: This is where the whole different culture thing comes in the play. I don’t how your police force is down there, but here you grab a cop’s gun and you’re dead. End of story.
RT: Totally would happen that way here as well.
So that means Lee is the last one standing. Although, if you want to get technical, Rhett Snow is still alive…
All I can say is: thank god there is only one more episode of this shit to get through.
CF: But wait! Sarah Paulson comes back in the next episode, because she’s playing another fucking character from one of the other fucking seasons! Because if nothing else, we have to tie every goddamn AHS season together in one form or another. Is this going to be our big chance for us to see Jessica Lange once more? And I’m like you: I’m so glad the shit is almost over.
RT: *dies inside* No. I can’t do any more of this crap 😦
CF: Vikings isn’t that far away; you can make it!
RT: On that note, I have already seen the first three episodes of Season 4B of Vikings. So, what this space 😉
What did you think of Chapter 9 of FX’s American Horror Story: Roanoke? Let us know your thoughts by commenting below!
American Horror Story returns to FX with Chapter 8 of Season 6 on Wednesday, November 16 at 10 p.m. ET.
[Image via FX]