“iZombie”, Season 3, Episode 4, “Wag the Tongue Slowly”

[Image via The CW]

Well, I don’t know if you know this, but I heard there was an iZombie episode this last Tuesday night, and while you may not know everything there is to know about it, I certainly do.  So, if you real nice—and I do mean nice—I’ll tell you everything I know about this episode.

But you didn’t hear that from me.

 

  •   It’s the day after Ravi (Rahul Kohli) was caught by Peyton (Aly Michalka) fucking his old boss, and he isn’t feeling too well due to the massive hangover. Liv (Rose McIver) kind of goes easy on Ravi, but not that easy: she’s a bit pissed off that just when the two of them ready to get together Ravi’s dick goes and screws shit up. She also feels the need to remind Ravi that God is a woman, which means his ass is doubly fucked.
  •   And let’s add on to this fucking: Blaine (David Anders) comes in for a checkup after taking the second cure. His vitals seemed fine but there’s no return of memory. Ravi lets him know he’s not quite out of the woods, but everything should be fine if he can make it till early morning Saturday. Blaine decides that it’s probably a good idea if he has someone watch him until then–and guess who Blaine pics to be the Zombie Watcher? Why, no one other than Peyton! Surprisingly, Peyton doesn’t have a problem with this…
  •   Major (Robert Buckley) is getting ready to go on his first mission with Fillmore Graves. Only problem is his health isn’t the best: he starting to deteriorate and Ravi knows this. He gives Major one of the only vials of the second cure and tells him the time is likely to come soon when he is going to have to take it or die. Major hears and understands, but wouldn’t you know it, he also has a line on the whereabouts of Natalie (Brooke Lyons)—
  •   While all of this is coming together Liv and Clive (Malcolm Goodwin) catch the Murder of the Week: an office salesperson who was not only poisoned after a fire evacuation, but was also one helluva gossip. Of course, in order to get some insight into what may have happened to this woman it’s time for Liv to go all Brain Bake, and before you know it our favorite morgue attendant find she has trouble keeping certain things to herself. They interview the four people most likely to of gone after the office gossip, as their lives and/or careers were pretty much torpedoed by this bitch, and in the end they narrow their choice down to one person—only that suspect just doesn’t seem quite right…
  •   Through stake outs, some luck, and a momentary ass kicking, Major tracks down the whereabouts of Natalie, and like the gallant son of a bitch he is, he puts his life in danger to rescue her. Only, Natalie doesn’t want to be rescued. She’s concerned if she’s taken from where she’s being held the people holding her are going to hunt her down, and the person who rescued her, and kill them both. Major knows he can’t convince her that he can protect her, so he does what he thinks is the next best thing: he gives her his cure and tells her that she can inject yourself and become human once again, although she will lose all of her memories prior to that moment. And with that he beats a hasty retreat before the goons come and throw him over a balcony.
  •   While they aren’t making much headway on the murder investigation, Liv is picking up some good gossip that she’s passing along to both Clive and Ravi, which has to do with the former’s office politics and the later’s fire dumpster of a relationship. It’s during this period that Liv has her only memory flashback, but it’s a good one. So good, in fact, that it leads to a major breakthrough in the case.
  •   Peyton and Blaine are coexisting in comfort. Blaine doesn’t seem to be deteriorating and Peyton—well, Peyton is becoming more attracted to Blaine by the hour. She basically comes right out and says she wants to sleep with Blaine, but he doesn’t want to do that, at least not yet. His fear is he’ll wake up Saturday morning and regain all of his memories, which means he’ll remember what a fucking scumbag he was. And if he does the humpadelic with Peyton before he does or does not get his memories back, he knows he’ll feel like a shitheel for having taken advantage of her. Like it or not, this is twisting up Peyton’s panties even more so than before. Which is why when Saturday morning comes around, she’s pulling some major Twilight shit and standing over Blaine as his alarm goes off. As soon as his head clears he realizes he doesn’t have his memories back…
  •   Getting back to the murder case at hand, Liv explains her breakthrough to Clive. See, one of the suspects was outed by the office gossip as having worked in adult films before going the straight and narrow, but it turns out in one of her films—which, Ravi conveniently discovered after Liv asked—she played in Italian woman with a rather outrageous accent, like the woman their primary suspect said he had spoken to on the phone not long before the office gossip was poisoned. It eventually comes to light that the three people who’d had their careers and lives torpedoed by the gossip had worked together to give her drug it was going to cause her a great deal of discomfort: they had absolutely no idea it would interact with medication she was already taking and kill her. And just like that the case is closed with all three office workers lamenting that they’re still getting fucked by the office gossip, though a good lawyer could probably kick the charges down so that they do a lot of probation and little else.
  •   So at the end of the episode we have the following:
  •     Major is off on his secret mission, still dying and without his zombie cure.
  •     Liv and Clive visit someone from the zombie message board who’s pretty upfront about the fact he knows “brain eaters” exist. Oh, and his brother was a lab technician at Max Rager and he, too, was likely killed by a brain eater. This guy doesn’t seem to worry about capping zombies: as he says, you can’t murder something that’s already dead.
  •     Oh, and Peyton fucks Blaine. Hoo ha.

 

Personal Notes: After the mess that was last week’s episode, this week’s episode was far better, though not completely without fault—and those faults still lay with Ravi, Peyton, and Blaine.

First off, however, the good. Liv the Gossip was a great role for Rose McIver to play. You could tell she was enjoying being the person who spread little stories and innuendo here and there, but yet didn’t feel responsible for how it might make other people feel. It was a nice little quirk for her to have, and it was played up without being played over the top.

And Major is starting to get caught up in his own tangled web that he himself is weaving. He wants to save Natalie; he wants to play zombie mercenary; he doesn’t want to die but he doesn’t want to lose his memories of what he had with his friends, and especially with Liv. He’s juggling a shit load of balls all at once and it won’t be long before they start dropping. It’s just a question of what he’ll decide to do first, and you have to wonder if the cure will just be forced upon him moments before he dies.

Now for the bad. Ravi played the brokenhearted suitor for most of the episode–until, that is, Liv asked him to look through a bunch of porno flicks to find the suspect. And at that point, Skeevy Ravi came out to play, going so far as to creep around outside the interrogation room when Clive and Liv were interviewing the former adult film actress. Maybe it’s just me, but as soon as Ravi found out he was going to get an opportunity to look at a lot of bare tits, his sorrow suddenly turned into a massive case of, “Peyton who?” Yeah, I know are supposed to feel sorry for Ravi, but the son of a bitch is making it hard for us to sympathize with him.

As for Peyton… Yes, I get it: Good Girls love the Bad Boy, and while they might not ever take him home to meet mother, they certainly won’t have any problems taking them to bed. The only thing is Peyton knows Blaine’s history. She’s a goddamn lawyer and she knows exactly what the sleazy son of a bitch was into before he suddenly turned into Mr. Piano Player. Yes, I did rail and how Ravi tried guilt tripping the shit out of everyone to get Blaine to try to cure the week before, but while Ravi’s methods were shitty, the things he said about Blaine were on the mark true. So, once a guy who had no problems killing kids loses his memories and begins tickling the ivories in a piano bar, Peyton can forget all about his past and give serious consideration to snuggling the baloney pony? For the member of Team Zombie who was notorious for keeping your wits about her, Payton’s IQ seem to decrease sharply once the possibility of having sex with Blaine became a reality.

Now what comes next is all conjecture on my part. After careful consideration I do believe Blaine is faking the memory loss. And the reason is faking the memory loss is so he can get closer to Peyton. And getting closer to Peyton means getting her into bed and getting down with their bad selves.

And why would he do all this? Well, wouldn’t having a zombie in the District Attorney’s Office be a hell of a boon to someone who’s a sleazy crime boss and may be that undead DA person’s only access to brains?

I mean, we know zombieism is a sexually transmitted disease. Knowing these two had sex, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Nice Guy Blaine probably used a condom. And the next time they have sex he’ll probably use one again. But at some point he’ll not, which means if he is faking everything–the cure, the memory loss, all this shit–it won’t be long before Peyton has to start tanning and dyeing.

Ravi and everyone else believes the cure works, but it took away all of Blaine’s memories. And we know it took away all of Blaine’s memories because Blaine tells us it took away his memories. Ravi is some kind of shitty doctor since he hasn’t tried this drug on anyone else, so he has no idea if Blaine is blowing smoke up his ass or not.  And the craziest shit of all is everyone believes Blaine. No one is doubting his sincerity when he says he doesn’t remember anything. And why should they? He’s now nice.

The easiest way to have discovered if Blaine is full of shit or not would have been to give the cure to Major in the last episode. But Ravi can’t do that because he doesn’t want Major to lose all of his memories–something that Blaine keeps telling everyone is going to happen.

Seriously, I really do feel Blaine is playing some kind of long game here, and the end result could be bringing Peyton over to the Undead Side. Like I said, this is all conjecture on my part, which means you don’t take it with a grain of salt–you take it with the biggest salt lick you can find.

But when you’re a sleaze bag like Blaine this is the sort of thing you do…

 

As always, leave a comment below and tell us how we did!

 

Liv (Rose McIver)
Ravi (Rahul Kohli)
Major (Robert Buckley)
Clive (Malcolm Goodwin)
Peyton (Aly Michalka)

Blane (David Anders)

Natalie (Brooke Lyons)

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